I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Just a friendly reminder!
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.