Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
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My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
boat question
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
beware of dog
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?