Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
You Might Also Like
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work