@trumpetcake

Who hasn’t stood in front of a mirror holding a hairbrush as a microphone pretending to address the press as the sheriff of a small town plagued by a horrific series of crimes?

@trumpetcake

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

@trumpetcake

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

@trumpetcake

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

@trumpetcake

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

@trumpetcake

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

@trumpetcake

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

@trumpetcake

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

@trumpetcake

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

@trumpetcake

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.