Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
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Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
congratulations to them
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.