me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer