whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Uh oh…