How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*