me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I have many caverns
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”