Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of tsm560's best tweets

@tsm560 : Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day

@tsm560: That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

@tsm560: Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that

@tsm560: Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it

@tsm560: Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No

@tsm560: I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it

@tsm560: They say intelligent people are rarely happy I guess that’s why you’re always smiling

@tsm560: The author of How to Murder Your husband was just arrested for murdering her husband. I can’t be the only one who saw this coming.

@tsm560: She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset

@tsm560: Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”