@tsm560

Twitter: Sorry. Something went wrong

Me: you’re goddamn right it did

@tsm560

The only thing that distinguishes us from dogs is their ability to learn from their mistakes

@tsm560

Me: are you feeling this sexual tension between us?

Her: that’s just tension

@tsm560

Her: don’t insult me like that

Me: I’m sorry, how would you prefer I insult you?

@tsm560

I think it’s hilarious when someone takes a break from here and people immediately ask if they’re okay. As if being off twitter isn’t the very definition of being okay

@tsm560

Those 3 am conversations that start and end with “How many times can one person pee during the night?”

@tsm560

I know I should tweet more and share my gifts with the world but the world is too stupid so I don’t

@tsm560

I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. This is not a complaint.

@tsm560

My GameStop stock is looking pretty good. Think I’ll buy France

@tsm560

*toilet papers neighbor’s house*

Neighbor: Weird flex, bro