My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser