@tsm560

One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

@tsm560

I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.

@tsm560

This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.

@tsm560

I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

@tsm560

*puts on a tuxedo*

I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.

@tsm560

All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.

@tsm560

My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

@tsm560

I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.