One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.
I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.
This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.
I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.
I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.
*puts on a tuxedo*
I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.
All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.
My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.
Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.
I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.