When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
You Might Also Like
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.