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Page of tsm560's best tweets

@tsm560 : I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

@tsm560: In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.

@tsm560: I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

@tsm560: Conviction is sexy. Why do you think so many prisoners get marriage proposals?

@tsm560: Me: I'm a carnivore.
Vegan friend: I know.
Me: I'm a carnivore.
VF: You just said...
Me: I'm a carnivore.
VF: Ok! I get it!
Me: I eat meat.

@tsm560: I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that's a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.

@tsm560: Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where're you going?!! Come here!

@tsm560: My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.

@tsm560: I can make just about anything happen simply by hoping it won't.

@tsm560: Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.