@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

@tsm560

Conviction is sexy. Why do you think so many prisoners get marriage proposals?

@tsm560

Me: I’m a carnivore.
Vegan friend: I know.
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: You just said…
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: Ok! I get it!
Me: I eat meat.

@tsm560

I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.

@tsm560

Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where’re you going?!! Come here!

@tsm560

My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.

@tsm560

I can make just about anything happen simply by hoping it won’t.

@tsm560

Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.

@tsm560

*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.

@tsm560

I feel like I’m always on the outside looking in… and great the cops are here again.