@tsm560

It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.

@tsm560

[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …

@tsm560

Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.

@tsm560

People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*

*trust me. you’ll make it.

@tsm560

Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.

@tsm560

If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.

@tsm560

Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*

@tsm560

Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.