[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Unimpressed
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Phonetics
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”