Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Very good! 👍😂
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.