Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600