One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
They say women only use 10% of their anger