Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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What do you hear?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute