I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]