@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?

@turtledumplin

Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.

@turtledumplin

We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@turtledumplin

Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”

And I’m just like…….
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