@turtledumplin

Told 9 to get a cup from the kitchen
He got up,walked 2 the kitchen, came back sat on the couch cuz he 4got what he was doing

Yep he’s mine

@turtledumplin

I’ve eliminated 98% of phone calls by answering each time with, “sorry, wrong number”

@turtledumplin

No one gets more scared than the kid that makes their younger sibling cry while mom is in the other room.

@turtledumplin

In the beginning:
You hang up first
No you hang up first
No you
I already miss you you’ll have to hang up first
You have to hang up first

6 months later:
Goodnight hunny I lov…
*click*

@turtledumplin

If you think your life is bad, just think, at least you weren’t one of those hotel guests that showered, brushed their teeth and drank the water from the water tank that had a dead body in it.

@turtledumplin

Haha some loser’s car alarm keeps going off

*pushes button on keys*

*alarm turns off*

@turtledumplin

I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?

@turtledumplin

Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.