@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.

@turtledumplin

We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@turtledumplin

Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”

And I’m just like…….
*don’t comment
*don’t comment
*don’t comment
*don’t comment

@turtledumplin

Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do

@turtledumplin

I won’t slam on my brakes if someone’s tailgating me…I will, however, take my foot off the accelerator and slowly come to a stop.

@turtledumplin

8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?