“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.