Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
You Might Also Like
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“A little help here, Danny?”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.