You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Your honor these allegations are
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.