warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad