Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.