Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of tweetsbyrocket's best tweets

@tweetsbyrocket : me: [shows 3 friends my time machine]

todd: actually, time travel is very dangerous you shouldn't mess wi—

me: [gets in time machine]

me: [shows 2 friends my time machine] don't tell todd

@tweetsbyrocket: teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son's unrealistic expectations

@tweetsbyrocket: therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

@tweetsbyrocket: me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@tweetsbyrocket: me: there's a man in my house

911: what's he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there's actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you're hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help

@tweetsbyrocket: octopus: [gun in each hand]

feral hog: you're 22-42 short buddy

@tweetsbyrocket: me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it's a long wait

me: i know what it is

@tweetsbyrocket: cop: were you texting and driving

me: no i was playing go

cop: go?

me: [speeding off] if you say so

@tweetsbyrocket: me: what's a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]