Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Extremely relatable.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here