Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of tweetsbyrocket's best tweets

@tweetsbyrocket : [year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what's for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch

@tweetsbyrocket: me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted


me: [puts bounty on her]

@tweetsbyrocket: me: [googling] depressed what do

google: consult a doctor

me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking

@tweetsbyrocket: me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@tweetsbyrocket: me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn't this working

@tweetsbyrocket: [hospital]

me: [sobbing] the doctor said i'll never breakdance again

wife: i didn't know you could breakdance

me: i can't. jfc are you even listening

@tweetsbyrocket: teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son's unrealistic expectations

@tweetsbyrocket: me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti

genie: no

@tweetsbyrocket: me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant


harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try

@tweetsbyrocket: genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me