@tweetsbyrocket
therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
@tweetsbyrocket
[hogwarts]
plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes
salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake
plumber: why
salazar slytherin: no reason
@tweetsbyrocket
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
@tweetsbyrocket
the characters from friends actually represent all seven deadly sins
monica:
chandler:
joey:
the monkey:
rachel:
phoebe:
ross: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth
@tweetsbyrocket
grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future
me: cut your carbon emissions
grandad: no
@tweetsbyrocket
me: im terrified of random letters
therapist: you are
me: [screams]
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
@tweetsbyrocket
advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-
king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men
@tweetsbyrocket
me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
@tweetsbyrocket
everybody else
was kung fu fighting, but i
was haiku writing
@tweetsbyrocket
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running