therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO



plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason


sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no


the characters from friends actually represent all seven deadly sins

the monkey:
ross: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth


grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no


me: im terrified of random letters

therapist: you are

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]


advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-

king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men


me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation


me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running