@tweetsbyrocket

son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals

me:

son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did

@tweetsbyrocket

millennial: i wish for death

boomer genie: did you say debt

millennial: no

boomer genie: too late

@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@tweetsbyrocket

me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE

@tweetsbyrocket

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@tweetsbyrocket

boss: you’re late again

me: i saw a dog

boss: that’s what you said yesterday

me: he lives in my house

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations