My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
You Might Also Like
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Check your privilege
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
So sick of all these stupid rules
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.