@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@tweetsbyrocket

me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help

@tweetsbyrocket

me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is

@tweetsbyrocket

cop: were you texting and driving

me: no i was playing go

cop: go?

me: [speeding off] if you say so

@tweetsbyrocket

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

@tweetsbyrocket

[gf moving in]

her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement

me: sure, make yourself at home

@tweetsbyrocket

her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem