@tweetsbyrocket
therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
@tweetsbyrocket
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
@tweetsbyrocket
me: there’s a man in my house
911: what’s he doing
me: drinking
911: drinking?
me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time
911: sounds like you’re hosting a party
me: yea
911:
me: please send help
@tweetsbyrocket
octopus: [gun in each hand]
feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy
@tweetsbyrocket
me: when can i get on the barbell
gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait
me: i know what it is
@tweetsbyrocket
cop: were you texting and driving
me: no i was playing go
cop: go?
me: [speeding off] if you say so
@tweetsbyrocket
me: what’s a palindrome
teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome
getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]
@tweetsbyrocket
[gf moving in]
her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement
me: sure, make yourself at home
@tweetsbyrocket
me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
@tweetsbyrocket
her: have you tried mindfulness
me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem