ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
The happy life.. 😊
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.