HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.