Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.