If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
You Might Also Like
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out