When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.