My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
When I said I liked it rough.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.