@tyrannees

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

@tyrannees

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

@tyrannees

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.