the saddest jazz hands ever
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?