It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?