I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Vodka burrito was a success
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.