{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”