Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Bike is short for Bichael.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.