Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?