[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
You Might Also Like
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
#ParentingFacts
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.