the three branches of government
kevin is now a local weatherman
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
respect
