This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Guys, I found it.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun