@undeadmolly

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@undeadmolly

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

@undeadmolly

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

@undeadmolly

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

@undeadmolly

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

@undeadmolly

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.