@underchilde

I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@underchilde

Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions

@underchilde

I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.

@underchilde

You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.

@underchilde

Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?

@underchilde

[At neighbor’s barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@underchilde

Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.

@underchilde

[First Date]

Me: “So what do you like to do when you’re not working?”

Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*

Me: “Me too!”