What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Xylophonist Shredding It
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Rambo Rambow
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse