HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”