My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.